strange.....how one can live an entire lifetime in illusion......
illusion of belief.... illusion of self.....illusion of relationships.....illusion of the entire existence....
and yet...............when the mist of illusion gives way to the extremely bright light of reality, he's too confused to believe that sunshine has shone upon him.... the hangover, then leads to shocking revelation unacceptable by his disillusioned mind.............
ok....whosoever reads this......don't even dare to ask why i have written this ....or condemn it by saying it doesnt make sense or bla bla......i just had to write something after seven painfully boring days ...sigh
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
> rockafella part 2
gemgem once said 'kalau hang suka kat marka tu...hang patut pi terus ' approach ' dia....just try....you've got nothing to lose bro...'
thank you, gem...tapi aku tak termampu la nak buat macam tu...
kalau lah aku ada keberanian yang macam tu, aku tak la sesenja sekarang ni...aku ni nampak ja macam tak tau malu, tapi sebenarnya pemalu dan penakut la sikit...terutama sekali selepas pengalaman di atas Bus Mini Wilayah dulu.. to put it short la...about 13-14 years dulu, aku ternampak la seorang marka dalam BMW and she was sitting fairly close dengan aku ni, 1 or 2 seats away cam tu la. she was by far the most gorgeous woman i've ever seen in my life lah....bagi aku la, tapi most of kawan-kawan aku wouldn't have thought the same cam aku..'bro...you have a totally different taste in woman la ' so they say......aku tak kisah.
about two days later, masa aku kat lebuh ampang BMW station, aku ternampak this woman again!!!.... and she was alone and walking towards the Central Market. aku macam tengok dia for a few minutes tapi aku bet dia tak tau pun yang aku dok tengah tengok dia...macam biasa la kan..dok syok sorang-sorang..
one day, masa aku dalam one of the mini busses nak pi kerja kat ampang point, out of no where, when the bus stopped for someone...it was her....again!..she got on and sat in the left side of the bus...same row...tapi aku on the right side, taste lah!!!!! wangi.....nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur...nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur ka? kalau tegur, nak kata apa? nak kata hi ka...hello? or tanya' you kerje kat manee? macam-macam lagi lah...dekat 15 minit la jugak aku dok berderama sorang-sorang tepi tingkap bas tu.....last, aku kata dalam hati ' now or never! '...setelah bismilah 2,3kali, aku pun memberanikan diri bangun....berjalan...dan duduk sebelah dia...everyone in the bus was looking at me masa tu...free show...aku rasa semua orang macam dok tunggu nak gelak kat aku ja..
bontot aku cecah ja cushion seat sebelah marka tu, terus aku tanya ' hi, boleh berkenalan? '..............dalam bas masa tu, senyap-sunyi. selalu driver bas tu pasang lagu ' blame it on the rain,mili-vanili 'sampai lunyai telinga...tapi hari ni tak pasang-pasang pulak..
aku tanya sekali lagi ' hi....... ' perempuan tu tak tengok aku langsung...senyum tak..apa pun tak..malu nya aku ni memang tak terkira lah..
apa aku perlu buat ni? pergi balik tempat duduk aku tadi ka? ish...tak sanggup aku nak pusing kepala menghala penumpang-penumpang kat belakang tu...sah-sah diaorang dok follow ' live telecast ' show aku tu tadi....
aku kata dalam hati yang rosak ni ' buat bodo, duduk ja kat sini sampai ampang point '....tapi, perjalanan dari lebuh ampang ke ampang point tu aku rasa macam perjalanan dari padang besar nak pi tanjong pagar, singapura...berjam-jam...lama betul.....
thank you, gem...tapi aku tak termampu la nak buat macam tu...
kalau lah aku ada keberanian yang macam tu, aku tak la sesenja sekarang ni...aku ni nampak ja macam tak tau malu, tapi sebenarnya pemalu dan penakut la sikit...terutama sekali selepas pengalaman di atas Bus Mini Wilayah dulu.. to put it short la...about 13-14 years dulu, aku ternampak la seorang marka dalam BMW and she was sitting fairly close dengan aku ni, 1 or 2 seats away cam tu la. she was by far the most gorgeous woman i've ever seen in my life lah....bagi aku la, tapi most of kawan-kawan aku wouldn't have thought the same cam aku..'bro...you have a totally different taste in woman la ' so they say......aku tak kisah.
about two days later, masa aku kat lebuh ampang BMW station, aku ternampak this woman again!!!.... and she was alone and walking towards the Central Market. aku macam tengok dia for a few minutes tapi aku bet dia tak tau pun yang aku dok tengah tengok dia...macam biasa la kan..dok syok sorang-sorang..
one day, masa aku dalam one of the mini busses nak pi kerja kat ampang point, out of no where, when the bus stopped for someone...it was her....again!..she got on and sat in the left side of the bus...same row...tapi aku on the right side, taste lah!!!!! wangi.....nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur...nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur ka? kalau tegur, nak kata apa? nak kata hi ka...hello? or tanya' you kerje kat manee? macam-macam lagi lah...dekat 15 minit la jugak aku dok berderama sorang-sorang tepi tingkap bas tu.....last, aku kata dalam hati ' now or never! '...setelah bismilah 2,3kali, aku pun memberanikan diri bangun....berjalan...dan duduk sebelah dia...everyone in the bus was looking at me masa tu...free show...aku rasa semua orang macam dok tunggu nak gelak kat aku ja..
bontot aku cecah ja cushion seat sebelah marka tu, terus aku tanya ' hi, boleh berkenalan? '..............dalam bas masa tu, senyap-sunyi. selalu driver bas tu pasang lagu ' blame it on the rain,mili-vanili 'sampai lunyai telinga...tapi hari ni tak pasang-pasang pulak..
aku tanya sekali lagi ' hi....... ' perempuan tu tak tengok aku langsung...senyum tak..apa pun tak..malu nya aku ni memang tak terkira lah..
apa aku perlu buat ni? pergi balik tempat duduk aku tadi ka? ish...tak sanggup aku nak pusing kepala menghala penumpang-penumpang kat belakang tu...sah-sah diaorang dok follow ' live telecast ' show aku tu tadi....
aku kata dalam hati yang rosak ni ' buat bodo, duduk ja kat sini sampai ampang point '....tapi, perjalanan dari lebuh ampang ke ampang point tu aku rasa macam perjalanan dari padang besar nak pi tanjong pagar, singapura...berjam-jam...lama betul.....
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
> rockafella
aku ni dari segi luarannya, macam rock tapi kat dalam memang macam 'tokua'. untuk mengelak hati tokua aku ni dari hancus...maka, aku akan sangat berhati-hati bila part nak mencari teman hidup...aku, kalau dah rosak hati...memang hampeh...macam-macam nak buat...dulu nak buat rumah kat dalam hutan la, nak bawak diri pi overseas la...tapi tang makan? laluuu...memang bahaya beb....yang paling menarik, perempuan tu tak tau pun yang aku ni suka kat dia...aku ja yang dok ber-derama sorang-sorang....so untuk mengelak dari aku pi buat benda-benda bodo ni...adalah lebih baik single.
bak kata pepatah melayu lama...'kajang pak malau kajang berlipat, kajang hamba mengkuang layu, dagang pak malau dagang bertempat, dagang hamba menumpang lalu'....sebenarnya pepatah ni tak ada kena mengena langsung dengan apa yang aku cerita ni...saja ja aku tulis..sebab aku memang suka pepatah ni dari dulu lagi..
berbalik ke topik asal...aku ni bukan nya buruk, tapi kalau tengok dari sesetengah sudut tu, macam gajah pun ada jugak...ish. dulu, masa mengaji dulu ada la juga marka-marka yang suka kat aku, tapi aku la pulak rasa aku ni tak berapa sesuai dengan depa yang pandai-pandai tu......yang aku tau, nak pi bersuka ria kat kawloon dengan geng-geng ragbi aku... pastu ada la jugak, kawan kawan ofis yang menunjuk minat untuk mengenali aku ' dengan lebey dekat ' lagi...tapi aku la pulak sibuk nak mengejar kerjaya yang tak besar-besar sampai sekarang.......nak beli rumah dulu la, nak itu dulu la, ini dulu la, enjoy dulu la...macam-macam alasan lah...
aku tak la komplen pasal cara hidup aku la ni...tak lah senang tapi tak dak yang kurang...cuma, sejak setahun dua ni, ada member-member yang dah kahwin, dapat anak dan nak dapat anak buat aku rasa ada benda yang kurang dalam hidup aku la ni.....mak aku yang tak pernah tanya pasal bini pun dah start tanya aku, mak aku kata, 'tak pa la, indu ka, cina ka, siam ka semua dia terima'...sedih aku dengar, betapa mak aku nak suruh aku settle down...air mata dok menitik nih....
bak kata pepatah melayu lama...'kajang pak malau kajang berlipat, kajang hamba mengkuang layu, dagang pak malau dagang bertempat, dagang hamba menumpang lalu'....sebenarnya pepatah ni tak ada kena mengena langsung dengan apa yang aku cerita ni...saja ja aku tulis..sebab aku memang suka pepatah ni dari dulu lagi..
berbalik ke topik asal...aku ni bukan nya buruk, tapi kalau tengok dari sesetengah sudut tu, macam gajah pun ada jugak...ish. dulu, masa mengaji dulu ada la juga marka-marka yang suka kat aku, tapi aku la pulak rasa aku ni tak berapa sesuai dengan depa yang pandai-pandai tu......yang aku tau, nak pi bersuka ria kat kawloon dengan geng-geng ragbi aku... pastu ada la jugak, kawan kawan ofis yang menunjuk minat untuk mengenali aku ' dengan lebey dekat ' lagi...tapi aku la pulak sibuk nak mengejar kerjaya yang tak besar-besar sampai sekarang.......nak beli rumah dulu la, nak itu dulu la, ini dulu la, enjoy dulu la...macam-macam alasan lah...
aku tak la komplen pasal cara hidup aku la ni...tak lah senang tapi tak dak yang kurang...cuma, sejak setahun dua ni, ada member-member yang dah kahwin, dapat anak dan nak dapat anak buat aku rasa ada benda yang kurang dalam hidup aku la ni.....mak aku yang tak pernah tanya pasal bini pun dah start tanya aku, mak aku kata, 'tak pa la, indu ka, cina ka, siam ka semua dia terima'...sedih aku dengar, betapa mak aku nak suruh aku settle down...air mata dok menitik nih....
> ayah..
june21st, means a lot to me. suddenly i realised how much i missed him, missed his touches, his love, his ideas, the fun & the good moments we had for 9 years ............... sad to say, i didn't really appreciate all his kindness & love at that time. guess, i was too young to understand what was love. i liked him....but sometimes i really hated him, hated him for not understanding my needs & not loving me...
june21st made me realised how much 'ayah' loved me, my imagination runs wild thinking what would he think when he saw me for the very first time, happy? worried? will our relationship be a success?
for me 'ayah' is a good man, no matter where he is now. he was a good man, he was a man with principles, also kind and helpful. that was all i knew about him, i didn't really know him, i dont remember when was the first time he touched my face. i don't remember the last time we had a conversation, but i do remember, at one time he cried when i did something bad. he knew something that i didn't know... and i was too naive to guess what was coming. my ego was so big, all i knew i was not his favourite...
june21st brought me back to the past, the past i don't want to remember, the ugly side of my life, a dark moment, a moment ayah walked away from my life................forever. i cried & cried, so loud, my tears were full with regret. regret because i know i don't ever have a chance to show how much i love him, to tell him how much i care about him. i don't know how to live without him, i started blaming others for our separation, i became errant..
june21st made me realised how much 'ayah' loved me, my imagination runs wild thinking what would he think when he saw me for the very first time, happy? worried? will our relationship be a success?
for me 'ayah' is a good man, no matter where he is now. he was a good man, he was a man with principles, also kind and helpful. that was all i knew about him, i didn't really know him, i dont remember when was the first time he touched my face. i don't remember the last time we had a conversation, but i do remember, at one time he cried when i did something bad. he knew something that i didn't know... and i was too naive to guess what was coming. my ego was so big, all i knew i was not his favourite...
june21st brought me back to the past, the past i don't want to remember, the ugly side of my life, a dark moment, a moment ayah walked away from my life................forever. i cried & cried, so loud, my tears were full with regret. regret because i know i don't ever have a chance to show how much i love him, to tell him how much i care about him. i don't know how to live without him, i started blaming others for our separation, i became errant..
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
> a bit about the girl i like
i sometimes wonder if i met the love of my life when i was nine. i wonder if my soul mate wasn’t set before me long ago only to be lost to adolescence and painful shyness. i wonder if she wonders the same thing.
her desk was right in front mine in a class room. we were in standard three. i don’t remember if i liked her immediately or if it took time, but i remember the sweet ache in my chest every time i saw her, the ache that nearly stole my breath and voice when she spoke to me. and speak she did, the sweetest things you can imagine. she saw through my 'kampong-face' and told me, ' saya suka la kawan dengan kamu'.....an A grade sugar coated statement, kept forever in my books of ' greatest angau '. and at one time, minutes before 'they' dragged me up on stage to sing at the annual school talent-time show, when i was self-conscious about my white-turned-yellow school shoes she told me how cool i am in my rented cowboy costume..i sang my heart out, just like a superstar on a movie screen lah.
approaching her was something i know, i'd never have enough guts to do, every time i try to talk to her, my words kept falling apart. one day after a few sessions of mental theraphy with closest friends, i braved myself to approach her and casually pop the question - ' kamu nak nasi lemak dak ? my mother won't mind if her nasi lemak business money a packet short....i know.
she looked at me, then she smiled at me, i gave her a packet of nasi lemak and smiled and tried to find more words to speak, words that would make she likes me.
several weeks after my father passed away.... i was forced to transfer to a school nearer to my house as my mother couldn't afford to pay my school bus fees...our three days friendship went down the drain..we moved in a different circles...
years passed. i didn't see her until i was at home one weekend, when my mother's friend with his family came to visit her. i saw a fimilar face came out from the car..i said to myself, can't be her..but my heart beats like a drum disagree ..i said, yes! it's her! i was astonished + happy but extremely nervous to see her when we were introduced..we were obviously shocked to know that our parents were actually friends!....well that was what i thought at first. the truth is something else.
she said hi, and gave me a big smile. i said hello, smiled back. i still couldn’t breathe, could barely speak. i dont know what to do, i was so nervous..i looked away, and quickly motion to my room, as if i was 'kiasu' with something.
wtf that i've done?
i wasn't my self at that time, i allowed my self to be invaded by shyness and stupidity, and i missed the last chance to regain a lost precious friendship.....and that was the last time i saw her, her family moved to melaka for good. we lost contact.
i rarely dream of people i know,.. but i have dreamed about this girl since the first time i saw her. once in a while, to this day, she will still come to me in my sleep. she is my reminder of opportunities lost, of longings unfulfilled....
her desk was right in front mine in a class room. we were in standard three. i don’t remember if i liked her immediately or if it took time, but i remember the sweet ache in my chest every time i saw her, the ache that nearly stole my breath and voice when she spoke to me. and speak she did, the sweetest things you can imagine. she saw through my 'kampong-face' and told me, ' saya suka la kawan dengan kamu'.....an A grade sugar coated statement, kept forever in my books of ' greatest angau '. and at one time, minutes before 'they' dragged me up on stage to sing at the annual school talent-time show, when i was self-conscious about my white-turned-yellow school shoes she told me how cool i am in my rented cowboy costume..i sang my heart out, just like a superstar on a movie screen lah.
approaching her was something i know, i'd never have enough guts to do, every time i try to talk to her, my words kept falling apart. one day after a few sessions of mental theraphy with closest friends, i braved myself to approach her and casually pop the question - ' kamu nak nasi lemak dak ? my mother won't mind if her nasi lemak business money a packet short....i know.
she looked at me, then she smiled at me, i gave her a packet of nasi lemak and smiled and tried to find more words to speak, words that would make she likes me.
several weeks after my father passed away.... i was forced to transfer to a school nearer to my house as my mother couldn't afford to pay my school bus fees...our three days friendship went down the drain..we moved in a different circles...
years passed. i didn't see her until i was at home one weekend, when my mother's friend with his family came to visit her. i saw a fimilar face came out from the car..i said to myself, can't be her..but my heart beats like a drum disagree ..i said, yes! it's her! i was astonished + happy but extremely nervous to see her when we were introduced..we were obviously shocked to know that our parents were actually friends!....well that was what i thought at first. the truth is something else.
she said hi, and gave me a big smile. i said hello, smiled back. i still couldn’t breathe, could barely speak. i dont know what to do, i was so nervous..i looked away, and quickly motion to my room, as if i was 'kiasu' with something.
wtf that i've done?
i wasn't my self at that time, i allowed my self to be invaded by shyness and stupidity, and i missed the last chance to regain a lost precious friendship.....and that was the last time i saw her, her family moved to melaka for good. we lost contact.
i rarely dream of people i know,.. but i have dreamed about this girl since the first time i saw her. once in a while, to this day, she will still come to me in my sleep. she is my reminder of opportunities lost, of longings unfulfilled....
Friday, January 23, 2009
> TGIF
sometimes i tell myself that i am truly awesome. and on occasion that little voice in the back of my head doesn’t disagree. those are the really good days.
then there are the other days.
those are the days when my curly-spunky hair won’t stay put, no matter how many kilos of hair-clay i use, the days when that stupid piece of nasal-hair insists on going in the opposite direction of where i put it, the days when an insignificant jerawat magically shifted to the prime area, and claim to be the president of my face, dont ask me how it happen, but it happened...the days when i were asked for my full name; nama punuh encek.... ' kumar a/l ( son of ) ?? after an hour long phone conversation, the days when i'm on shopping thrills, but failling to buy anything because the collection is out of size G!and the days when i'm so uncomfortable with my unwanted 'spare tyres' after a nip/tuck mini-marathon i want to curl up in my day-bed and reminiscing the good-happy days.
but most days are in between. i’m fine with not being perfect, but not feeling so imperfect as not to be fine. if that makes any sense.
right now i’m sitting here trying to decide what the point of this post is and failing miserably. and i’m ok with that. an in-between day. a real day, i think. because life usually ends up being a mix, good and bad, happy and sad, sublime and ridiculous all at once- right?
then there are the other days.
those are the days when my curly-spunky hair won’t stay put, no matter how many kilos of hair-clay i use, the days when that stupid piece of nasal-hair insists on going in the opposite direction of where i put it, the days when an insignificant jerawat magically shifted to the prime area, and claim to be the president of my face, dont ask me how it happen, but it happened...the days when i were asked for my full name; nama punuh encek.... ' kumar a/l ( son of ) ?? after an hour long phone conversation, the days when i'm on shopping thrills, but failling to buy anything because the collection is out of size G!and the days when i'm so uncomfortable with my unwanted 'spare tyres' after a nip/tuck mini-marathon i want to curl up in my day-bed and reminiscing the good-happy days.
but most days are in between. i’m fine with not being perfect, but not feeling so imperfect as not to be fine. if that makes any sense.
right now i’m sitting here trying to decide what the point of this post is and failing miserably. and i’m ok with that. an in-between day. a real day, i think. because life usually ends up being a mix, good and bad, happy and sad, sublime and ridiculous all at once- right?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
> get happy or die tryin'
am i happy?
if you’ve read here for a while you may not think so,.....but the fact is that i am.
it doesn’t mean that i don’t long for things or that i don’t feel bad sometimes. i choose to work out some of my angst here. that’s what a personal journal is for, yes? as what they always said sharing a burden with others lightens the load..
but happy i am.....i am comfortable with myself, i know i am blessed in many ways and i am grateful for a life without a lot of drama. but we, people always want more. i suppose that’s the part of intelligence that makes us unhappy...we know there’s more and we want it....never enough.
next year i will be 41. and in the past month or so i have been beginning to see myself differently. more like a grown-up- or more than that?- and i’m not sure how i feel about that.....i still want to be silly, i still want to play, i still want to be irresponsible sometimes, i still want to wear those ripped and torn fadded jeans....astro-boy t's, sneakers, read comics, anime gig etc... but now i wonder how it looks on me. people's perception of me... i'm curious if their perception matches my own sense of reality...but i guess i really dont want to know what people think of me...and i don’t think i am as concerned about what other people think about me as much as care what i think about myself ...
but sometimes i feel that the one who has the most inaccurate, skewed view of who i am — is myself. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
if you’ve read here for a while you may not think so,.....but the fact is that i am.
it doesn’t mean that i don’t long for things or that i don’t feel bad sometimes. i choose to work out some of my angst here. that’s what a personal journal is for, yes? as what they always said sharing a burden with others lightens the load..
but happy i am.....i am comfortable with myself, i know i am blessed in many ways and i am grateful for a life without a lot of drama. but we, people always want more. i suppose that’s the part of intelligence that makes us unhappy...we know there’s more and we want it....never enough.
next year i will be 41. and in the past month or so i have been beginning to see myself differently. more like a grown-up- or more than that?- and i’m not sure how i feel about that.....i still want to be silly, i still want to play, i still want to be irresponsible sometimes, i still want to wear those ripped and torn fadded jeans....astro-boy t's, sneakers, read comics, anime gig etc... but now i wonder how it looks on me. people's perception of me... i'm curious if their perception matches my own sense of reality...but i guess i really dont want to know what people think of me...and i don’t think i am as concerned about what other people think about me as much as care what i think about myself ...
but sometimes i feel that the one who has the most inaccurate, skewed view of who i am — is myself. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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