i sometimes wonder if i met the love of my life when i was nine. i wonder if my soul mate wasn’t set before me long ago only to be lost to adolescence and painful shyness. i wonder if she wonders the same thing.
her desk was right in front mine in a class room. we were in standard three. i don’t remember if i liked her immediately or if it took time, but i remember the sweet ache in my chest every time i saw her, the ache that nearly stole my breath and voice when she spoke to me. and speak she did, the sweetest things you can imagine. she saw through my 'kampong-face' and told me, ' saya suka la kawan dengan kamu'.....an A grade sugar coated statement, kept forever in my books of ' greatest angau '. and at one time, minutes before 'they' dragged me up on stage to sing at the annual school talent-time show, when i was self-conscious about my white-turned-yellow school shoes she told me how cool i am in my rented cowboy costume..i sang my heart out, just like a superstar on a movie screen lah.
approaching her was something i know, i'd never have enough guts to do, every time i try to talk to her, my words kept falling apart. one day after a few sessions of mental theraphy with closest friends, i braved myself to approach her and casually pop the question - ' kamu nak nasi lemak dak ? my mother won't mind if her nasi lemak business money a packet short....i know.
she looked at me, then she smiled at me, i gave her a packet of nasi lemak and smiled and tried to find more words to speak, words that would make she likes me.
several weeks after my father passed away.... i was forced to transfer to a school nearer to my house as my mother couldn't afford to pay my school bus fees...our three days friendship went down the drain..we moved in a different circles...
years passed. i didn't see her until i was at home one weekend, when my mother's friend with his family came to visit her. i saw a fimilar face came out from the car..i said to myself, can't be her..but my heart beats like a drum disagree ..i said, yes! it's her! i was astonished + happy but extremely nervous to see her when we were introduced..we were obviously shocked to know that our parents were actually friends!....well that was what i thought at first. the truth is something else.
she said hi, and gave me a big smile. i said hello, smiled back. i still couldn’t breathe, could barely speak. i dont know what to do, i was so nervous..i looked away, and quickly motion to my room, as if i was 'kiasu' with something.
wtf that i've done?
i wasn't my self at that time, i allowed my self to be invaded by shyness and stupidity, and i missed the last chance to regain a lost precious friendship.....and that was the last time i saw her, her family moved to melaka for good. we lost contact.
i rarely dream of people i know,.. but i have dreamed about this girl since the first time i saw her. once in a while, to this day, she will still come to me in my sleep. she is my reminder of opportunities lost, of longings unfulfilled....