Tuesday, October 28, 2008

> searching for the unknown but knowable

when i was smaller, a boy. i wanted to be many things. i wanted to be rich, i wanted to be famous, i wanted to be a loving father of five oriental children. i wanted to be a hero, i wanted to be strong, i wanted to be a soldier so i can help sargeant vic morrow to kill all the bad guys....i wanted to be special, i saw myself standing out from the crowd, never conforming and never apologizing for it. i reveled in being different! i even invented an exotic background to further set myself apart. but somewhere along the way i forgot about all that.....i got scared....the life i ended up with was like a colorful cheap shirt..... it looked good from the outside, with some fashionable detailing and all but was scratchy and uncomfortable and really didn’t fit properly. i felt powerless to change it. the fear had worked its way into my bone, winding around my dna and becoming a part of me.

but things changed, as they always do.... the thin walls of my life suddenly came crashing down around me, and i had to rebuild. it has been a very slow process...... but i’ve finally rid myself of the fear.... and i’ve put together a life that fits me better..i hope so...and yet there is more work to do. a little tailoring here and there, if you will. my thousand-mile journey is far from over...i'm still restless and searching. some part of me understands that this will always be.. it is what keeps me moving forward rather than standing still. but i’m determined to enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the hunt and keep moving forward searching for purpose, to reach for something that sets me apart from the crowd.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

> facts of life

lately i’ve been noticing that i don’t look as good as i used to.
i look tired, i look a bit frayed at the edges.........i’d like to say there was a reason for this,
one that i could fix and things would go back to normal, but i don’t think there is.

i think i’m starting to show my age.... and it’s freaking me out more than a little bit.

funny thing about it is that although age creeps up on you slowly, you seem to notice its affects all of a sudden. one day you could pass for twenty five and then next you look every minute of your age. or at least that’s what happened to me.

i have never hidden the fact that i’m vain. it’s something i’ve always owned and simply accepted because it has flown beneath people’s radar......it’s not something that i make obvious or let affect the way i treat others. but now it’s making getting through this stage of my life harder. and the bitch of it is that it is never going to get better—only worse.

i suppose this is part of the process. maybe this is what they mean by midlife crisis. facing your new face in the mirror and realizing this is the best you’ll ever look again. and that one day, before you know it, you’ll be old. but just because i recognize it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy getting through it.
letting go is never easy.......

> a song to me-self

my life is brilliant, my love is pure
i saw an angel of that i'm sure, she smiled at me on the subway..
she was with another man, but i won't lose no sleep on that 'cause i've got a plan

you're beautiful,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true i saw your face in a crowded place
and i don't know what to do 'cause i'll never be with you
yes, she caught my eye
as we walked on by, she could see from my face that i was fucking high
and i don't think that i'll see her again
but we shared a moment that will last 'till the end

you're beautiful,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true i saw your face in a crowded place
and i don't know what to do 'cause i'll never be with you

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true
there must be an angel with a smile on her face
when she thought up that i should be with you
but it's time to face the truth..........i will never be with you