> starting-over

< one of our greatest gifts is out intuition. it is a sixth sense we all have –
we just need to learn to tap into and trust it.>
donna karan

there are certain things that I am sure of, and one is that if you attempt to control your feelings, to reign in your emotions, they will simply grow stronger and weaken you until you are powerless to corral them any longer.

sometimes I forget this. but like any truth this one will eventually grab me by the shoulders and whirl me around to face it. and so it was this weekend.
be it the time change, the moon or any other of a thousand reasons, but the past few weeks I have been fighting to control a crushing wave of frustration and defeat. it is a crisis that occurs from time to time when the reality of my reality begins to wind itself into my body and soul and steadily block out the light that usually lives there.
it all gets to be too much, and i crash.

i’ve been fighting it, functioning, persisting, trying to shake it loose or ignore it. but it will not be denied. it cannot be denied. this weekend i succumbed to it finally because i could no longer stand the way it made me think, made me feel, made me act. i allowed it to take over and become me for a while. i wallowed in it, letting it squish between my toes like silken mud.

i very nearly enjoyed it.
then, as always happens, i grew tired of it. sadness is much less sustainable than happiness because it depletes energy instead of feeding it. so as i drifted off into sleep on Sunday night, i bade it goodbye. it was nice to know you, but it’s time for you to leave...for real.