blackbook

>fuhhhh!

2011-03-31T11:07:00.000+08:00

finally managed to get back into my blog!!!!!!!!!

> speak politic

2010-11-06T12:54:00.001+08:00

macam yang kita tau, budu ni memang tak asing dengan pantai timur'ians. famous gak dgn geng-geng dari negeri lain...termasuk aku skali..
nak buat budu ni simple, tapi tak semua orang tau atau saja tak mau tau, sebab proses dia horror sikit..budu dibuat dari ikan-ikan kecik yang terlekat kat jala atau ikan yang nak busuk atau rosak,kadang- kadang ikan bilis yang tak glamour nak buat kering pun dicampoq skali. pastu buh garam secukup rasa sebagai ramuan utama, peram dalam tempayan atau kolah..tapi aku rasa ada jugak mangkuk ayun yg peram dalam timba plastik atau tong cat. bekas-bekas budu ni dicover dgn daun nyoq dan dibiaq kat tepi pantai..tak leh letak kat rumah, kurang vogue dan bau nya boleh menggugat jiwa.. memang selekeh, kalau ada makhluk yang hyper melompat, terlebih lompat boleh terus masuk dlm kolah budu. kalau hujan tak yah cerita la! pendek kata ramuan budu yang real adalah ikan,garam dan lain-lain mahkluk tuhan yang tak dapat dikesan. aku rasa, tu yang buat budu ni sedap kot...kalau ditambah cabai melaka bagi pedas, buh tempoyak secubit,perah asam limau sikit, perrrhhhhhh poweeerr, makan dgn ikan bakarr, ulam petai dan daging bakaq!

ada orang kata budu kaya dengan zat besi dan protein yang bersumberkan ikan bilis, kebaikan yang boleh diketengahkan dalam buku resepi martha stewart. of course, kuman yang pelbagai fahaman dalam budu tidak boleh diwar-warkan dlm buku resepi tersebut..line kena cover jugak... selain kaya dengan zat besi etc..ada juga kepercayaan makan budu boleh terrer matematik. ada pulak yang kata makan budu boleh buat lidah jadi keras untuk speaking, bunyi dia ada slang budu..bagi peminat budu tegar, kualiti budu ni perfect macam parti BUDU.

parti BUDU adalah serpihan dari gabungan parti utama pemerintah. depa yang terbuang atau tak ngam ni keluar dari gabungan pasai berbeza dari segi prinsip perjuangan. parti pemerintah dengan perjuangan bangsa dan ketuanannya manakala parti BUDU dengan nilai keagamaannya. depa yang terbuang ni bersatu dan berkumpui umpama ikan terbuang atau un-glam bilis yang akan menjadi budu. jika ramuan utama budu ialah garam manakala ramuan utama parti BUDU ialah agama. BUDU telah menjadi satu parti politik yang berjenama agama umpama budu asli cap tempayan hijau. bila sekali makan budu cap tempayan ini,dah jadi ketagih dan semakin sedap dan lazat.
orang yang tidak makan budu umpama orang parti lain ,cakap la berbuih mulut pun pasai keburukan budu ,kotor ka, makruh ka, depa tak kan berjaya menghalang pemakan tegar budu untuk terus makan budu dan menikmati kelazatan budu. orang parti BUDU boleh keluaqkan fatwa budu baik untuk jiwa, atau bagi pahala kat depa yang makan budu..mungkin masuk syurga kot....

kemasukan geng-geng lebai-de-erdogan kedalam parti BUDU umpama berlakunya inovasi pada konsep budu itu sendiri,jadi tidak hairanlah sekarang ini bila kita makan di restoran-restoran terkenal pun ada bau budu jugak kerana budu la ni sudah boleh digoreng atau dimasak dalam apa resepi pun dan sekarang ni pun dah ada menu 'nasi goreng budu' antara-bangsa..

kemasukan parti BUDU kedalam PR umpama masuknya budu bersama cencaluk atau belacan yang asalnya dari udang, bukan dari ikan.walaupun penggemar budu tegar tidak merestui masuknya cencaluk atau belacan bergaul skali dengan budu dalam satu bekas kerana takut hilangnya keaslian budu, namun pemilik restoran merangkap 'mr know it all' penasihat PR tetap mahukan pembaharuan itu supaya orang lebih ramai mengenali budu, cencaluk atau belacan katanya, padahai dia saja buat macam tu supaya dia mendapat untung lumayan dalam masa yang singkat,dia bijak buat marketing dengan memperkenalkan menu baru di restorannya iaitu budu campur cencaluk dan belacan yang digelar BU-CA-CAN. restorannya dibuka kepada semua kaum...bak kata parpu kari, sama rata, sama rasa, depan belakang sama saja. makan secara layan diri, boleh buat macam rumah sendiri. sendiri makan sendiri basuh pinggan,pecah pinggan sendiri tanggung. boleh makan siang malam. keistimewaan penggemar budu tegar tidak dihiraukan malahan kalau boleh harus dihapuskan terus jika dia berjaya menjadi tauke besar restoran yang berpengaruh nanti.

apapun alasan depa, parti BUDU atau para graduan jangoat pengusaha budu mesti keluar dari gabungan PR BU-CA-CAN demi memelihara keaslian dan martabat peminat budu tegar.Jika dibiarkan budu dengan nama BU-CA-CAN,takut nantinya peminat tegar budu asli mula mencari alternatif lain seperti cuka atau sos tiram untuk dimakan bersama ulam. Jangan menidakkan kesetiaan peminat budu tegar...sedaq la, depa yang suka budu yang tak original ni adalah depa yang tidak ada pendirian dan bukan peminat budu sebenar...depa hanya pemilik-pemilik restoran yang nak kaut untung dalam masa yg singkat..

> life etc

2010-09-25T12:01:00.003+08:00

i’m working on something....changes will be coming, when they are ready to come. and we’ll see how it goes. more details when things are ready to go.

> hundred things

2010-04-20T20:25:00.004+08:00

i am not a morning person.

my eyes are brown-warm gray.

i am right-handed.

i like tempe.

h2o, always h2o, not coffee.

black is my favorite color.

i cannot decide if i’m an optimist or a pessimist; i see both sides.

i am a liberal, and i’m ok with that.

i usually resist being what someone else thinks i should be.

i crave small routines, but generally hate doing things by rote.

i am fairly flexible...practically not physically

i love to eat.

i love myself, but sometimes i don’t like myself.

i’ve almost made peace with my body. almost.

i am very intuitive...very.

i believe in God and in faith

i dislike people in general, but love them individually.

i am like my father in many ways, but I am not him.

i am fiercely independent.

i’m much nicer that you would think i am by looking at me.

i am very honest, but know when to keep things to myself.

i hate talking on the phone, but i love talking in person.

i’m not easily impressed.

when i was younger i probably looked exactly like someone you know. now i just look like me.

i think the government should stay out of the bedroom and spend more time in the boardroom.

i like hanging out with my extended family; they are amazing.

i was raised by a single mother.

i was about 8-9 when my father passed away.

i have performed on the school talent-time, and i was good at it.

i like to surprise people.

i’m not nearly done yet.

i daydream. a lot.

someday i hope to open a restaurant...sell all sort of tempe.

someday i hope to write a novel...the story of my life.

i don’t worry about much.

i don’t scare easily - horror movie not-count

i don’t care what you think about me.

i care very much about what i think about me.

i am not a father, yet

i plan to get married at 42.

i don't eat rice, but i will someday.

i have one small flat, and plenty of furniture.

sometimes I want to run away from home.

i probably never will. at least not for long.

i am a hopeless romantic.

i’ve danced in the toilet or two in my time.

i miss playing rugby.

i’ve nearly stopped drinking soda water.

i have a bag fetish.

and a colonial antique fetish.

i am easily bored.

i eat gum on a regular basis.

i am shy.

i may not speak much when you first meet me; i’m getting a feel for you.

i sleep on my side facing in toward the bed when i am alone, but facing out if not.

i take most things in my stride.

i am the least judgemental person i know.

i’m more interested in ideas than what other people are doing in their lives.

i will never stop learning.

despite how it may appear, i am a generally happy person.

i have an incredible amount of patience for some things, and absolutely none for others.

i want to be better.

i accept my imperfection and, in some cases, embrace it.

i often wonder if i am difficult to love.

i know that i am easy to like...sometimes

i am vain, but i hide it in real life.

i am an excellent listener.

i know how to keep a secret.

i don’t get complimented a lot in real life.

so i get flustered when someone compliments me.

i like to flirt, but am afraid to because it causes too much trouble

i am very strong.

but I am very vulnerable too if you know where to hit.

i am blossoming, physically, spiritually and sexually.

sometimes i can be a real pain in the ass.

i’m half malay and half etc-etc.

i can roll my tongue many ways

i have a big nose.

my left ear is weird.

i have the famous trademark gap-teeth of madonna

but i am not proud of it.

i like egg, but hate anything egg-flavored.

i think vanilla is underrated.

i don’t know where i’m going but i’m on my way.

if i could purr when you scratch my back, i would.

i am my own best friend.

i am my own worse enemy.

i spend two or more hours on saturday morning pampering myself.

i can only eat fish at a restaurant. if i smell it cooking, i’m done.

even then it has to be meaty fish.

note to lurkers: i love getting comments.

i’m still not one of the popular kids.

i wonder why since i know many of the popular kids.

i am a jack of all trades, a master of none.

i can do anything as long as there are written directions. even brain surgery. i think....trust me!

i'll get migraine when stress.

i hardly stress.

i will not wear fluorescent color.

i will, however, wear prominent color, sometimes.

i could probably go on with this forever, but i’m done!

> faster mate! faster!

2010-04-10T10:55:00.002+08:00

> been there, done that, what's next?

2010-04-04T13:04:00.002+08:00

finally...i'm in a relationship - now what do i do - what do i do? the next logical step to take is to meet her parents! gosh...my heart is beating so fast..i know in days to come i'll have to meet them....

> this is it

2010-03-13T12:40:00.003+08:00

when i first start seeing someone, life is good. everything is new and exciting and i can't get enough her....when the phone rings, i pray it is her asking me out for another date. after a few month, the questions start pouring in from my close friends. 'so what's next? ' 'are you guys together-together or are ya'll just together?' one thought lurks in my mind from dates thereon: ' are we a couple?' but how to define myself as a couple? we are not young anymore so the whole 'do you like me?' check yes or no,' - note will not work anymore.......and as time goes by, the relationship become more complicated ................and 'becoming official' is one of them...

things have been going great for a past few weeks and i feel there may be some kind of romantic connection, may be this is the right time for me express those feelings to her. but this is the tricky part...... i may not be feeling

her with the same intensity or may really like her but afraid to get serious.......i have to figure this out by the rate of which the relationship is going. i need to make a decision on where the relationship is going......fast.

> yawn x six

2010-03-13T09:41:00.001+08:00

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> this is me on Feb.14th.

2010-02-14T10:47:00.000+08:00

> curtain call

2010-02-10T18:00:00.003+08:00

i think i know the way this drama gonna end, its getting melancholy and crawling fast to the part i hate.... the part i'm living out the script of my life, the final part of the show. the end.
the stage is set and it's time for me to leave...just let the curtain fall as there wont be a curtain call for me.....................hahahaha mmg drama aku ni.

> truthfully? you make my heart race..

2010-02-08T14:21:00.005+08:00

after a confession with someone...i came up with this impromptu definition of ' speechless '

it could means deep thinking............or absence of words...

or giving weight to silence.

perhaps it means saying something while keeping your opinion veiled.

maybe its a way to smile softly!!!!!

but, i like to believe it means .... no thank you, i'm just not into you!

> hi you...

2010-01-31T16:33:00.004+08:00

i want to tell you something...i really want to tell you how I feel....even though we haven't been friends that long & i might not know you all that well...but these feelings are really strong! i tried to deny how i felt in order to protect 'a friend'...but now i cant contain myself! i need you to know that you're driving me round the bend!...the feelings so intense, being so close to you, makes me want to be with you more and more.
is it love? or maybe it's just another infatuation?
tell me now, do you feel the same? if you do, tell me soon...as i can't wait.

> through my window

2009-10-20T10:39:00.000+08:00

i lv this song!!!

Don’t want much, I just want everything
Thought that I could, do almost anything
One step in front of the other
Thought that I could do it alone

In the blink of an eye, it's just another day
Telling me why, I'll find another way
Got this feeling, got me reeling
I can almost start believing

Now there's me and you
And we are not alone
You and me
We are together now
Through my window, I can see there's
More than you and more than me
Me and you
And we are not alone
Different view
We are together now
Through my window, I can see
Our wildest dreams could be so real

I see a spark, it starts a fire
Is this the one worth waiting for?
Thought that I could do it without you
Can’t exist like this anymore

Now there's me and you
And we are not alone
You and me
We are together now
Through my window, I can see there's
More than you and more than me

Now there’s me and you, you and me
We are not alone and we are together
Through my window I can see
Our wildest dreams could be so real

> memoir of the last prime

2009-08-03T00:05:00.024+08:00

in another life,thousand years ago in cybertron... i was one of those autobot who get so caught up in romantic relationships that everything else falls by the wayside....happily married, with children and a white picket fence!! but in this life,on earth....it always seems that i am the last one to have anything wonderful happen for me...i have never been lucky at love or any sort of relationship...obviously la kan, since i’m not married and i’m not with the last person i dated!!....now that i think about it..every relationship that i've ever been in has never worked!...sigh.. that was deep..and the failure makes my mind acting just like those over protective parents!!!!......
i can't blame the mind, he's just worry and scared if the next one will also doomed to fail....takut hati aku rosak....tapi sampai bila? i know, sooner or later i've got to settle down....aaaaand to do that, one must have a relationship!!!...but how to start one if i'm scared of being rejected?

i want to be in love...i am trying..... maybe what i should be doing is to find some common ground, some spark that will catch and set things right... but i’m not seeing it and i’m not feeling it....maybe i should wait???.....wait until my mechanical mind agree to allow someone to be part of it?...but that's gonna be one hell of taxing wait!!..because my heart now has so much to give, and is so willing to receive..he is longing to be touched..and so willing to make someone else my life...hahaha 'the very the complex' lah!!

or maybe...i should just go back to cybertron....make a peace deal with the decepticons.....create a bio-morphic life partner and live happily for another trillion years, not....i don't want a fake relationship...no satisfaction guaranteed and i don't think it'll last anyway.....
ish!..semakin lama aku tulis dah semakin merapu..this is what happened when your brain is in sideways...hahaha.....ok lah, i can't think of anything else to write dah...hence........i.....optimus prime, the last prime...the leader of the autobots will conclude this complex scribble with....' autobots! transform!!!'

p/s; fellow cybertronian...this post has been written under the influence of present state of mind..considering it ' a emotional entity '...kindly reserve your bio-chemical snickering for only yourself....truly bona fide...
optimus prime

> reality bites....

2009-07-26T12:07:00.009+08:00

strange.....how one can live an entire lifetime in illusion......

illusion of belief.... illusion of self.....illusion of relationships.....illusion of the entire existence....

and yet...............when the mist of illusion gives way to the extremely bright light of reality, he's too confused to believe that sunshine has shone upon him.... the hangover, then leads to shocking revelation unacceptable by his disillusioned mind.............

ok....whosoever reads this......don't even dare to ask why i have written this ....or condemn it by saying it doesnt make sense or bla bla......i just had to write something after seven painfully boring days ...sigh

> rockafella part 2

2009-06-30T15:48:00.008+08:00

gemgem once said 'kalau hang suka kat marka tu...hang patut pi terus ' approach ' dia....just try....you've got nothing to lose bro...'

thank you, gem...tapi aku tak termampu la nak buat macam tu...

kalau lah aku ada keberanian yang macam tu, aku tak la sesenja sekarang ni...aku ni nampak ja macam tak tau malu, tapi sebenarnya pemalu dan penakut la sikit...terutama sekali selepas pengalaman di atas Bus Mini Wilayah dulu.. to put it short la...about 13-14 years dulu, aku ternampak la seorang marka dalam BMW and she was sitting fairly close dengan aku ni, 1 or 2 seats away cam tu la. she was by far the most gorgeous woman i've ever seen in my life lah....bagi aku la, tapi most of kawan-kawan aku wouldn't have thought the same cam aku..'bro...you have a totally different taste in woman la ' so they say......aku tak kisah.

about two days later, masa aku kat lebuh ampang BMW station, aku ternampak this woman again!!!.... and she was alone and walking towards the Central Market. aku macam tengok dia for a few minutes tapi aku bet dia tak tau pun yang aku dok tengah tengok dia...macam biasa la kan..dok syok sorang-sorang..

one day, masa aku dalam one of the mini busses nak pi kerja kat ampang point, out of no where, when the bus stopped for someone...it was her....again!..she got on and sat in the left side of the bus...same row...tapi aku on the right side, taste lah!!!!! wangi.....nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur...nak tegur ka? tak nak tegur ka? kalau tegur, nak kata apa? nak kata hi ka...hello? or tanya' you kerje kat manee? macam-macam lagi lah...dekat 15 minit la jugak aku dok berderama sorang-sorang tepi tingkap bas tu.....last, aku kata dalam hati ' now or never! '...setelah bismilah 2,3kali, aku pun memberanikan diri bangun....berjalan...dan duduk sebelah dia...everyone in the bus was looking at me masa tu...free show...aku rasa semua orang macam dok tunggu nak gelak kat aku ja..

bontot aku cecah ja cushion seat sebelah marka tu, terus aku tanya ' hi, boleh berkenalan? '..............dalam bas masa tu, senyap-sunyi. selalu driver bas tu pasang lagu ' blame it on the rain,mili-vanili 'sampai lunyai telinga...tapi hari ni tak pasang-pasang pulak..

aku tanya sekali lagi ' hi....... ' perempuan tu tak tengok aku langsung...senyum tak..apa pun tak..malu nya aku ni memang tak terkira lah..
apa aku perlu buat ni? pergi balik tempat duduk aku tadi ka? ish...tak sanggup aku nak pusing kepala menghala penumpang-penumpang kat belakang tu...sah-sah diaorang dok follow ' live telecast ' show aku tu tadi....

aku kata dalam hati yang rosak ni ' buat bodo, duduk ja kat sini sampai ampang point '....tapi, perjalanan dari lebuh ampang ke ampang point tu aku rasa macam perjalanan dari padang besar nak pi tanjong pagar, singapura...berjam-jam...lama betul.....

> rockafella

2009-06-23T13:15:00.007+08:00

aku ni dari segi luarannya, macam rock tapi kat dalam memang macam 'tokua'. untuk mengelak hati tokua aku ni dari hancus...maka, aku akan sangat berhati-hati bila part nak mencari teman hidup...aku, kalau dah rosak hati...memang hampeh...macam-macam nak buat...dulu nak buat rumah kat dalam hutan la, nak bawak diri pi overseas la...tapi tang makan? laluuu...memang bahaya beb....yang paling menarik, perempuan tu tak tau pun yang aku ni suka kat dia...aku ja yang dok ber-derama sorang-sorang....so untuk mengelak dari aku pi buat benda-benda bodo ni...adalah lebih baik single.

bak kata pepatah melayu lama...'kajang pak malau kajang berlipat, kajang hamba mengkuang layu, dagang pak malau dagang bertempat, dagang hamba menumpang lalu'....sebenarnya pepatah ni tak ada kena mengena langsung dengan apa yang aku cerita ni...saja ja aku tulis..sebab aku memang suka pepatah ni dari dulu lagi..

berbalik ke topik asal...aku ni bukan nya buruk, tapi kalau tengok dari sesetengah sudut tu, macam gajah pun ada jugak...ish. dulu, masa mengaji dulu ada la juga marka-marka yang suka kat aku, tapi aku la pulak rasa aku ni tak berapa sesuai dengan depa yang pandai-pandai tu......yang aku tau, nak pi bersuka ria kat kawloon dengan geng-geng ragbi aku... pastu ada la jugak, kawan kawan ofis yang menunjuk minat untuk mengenali aku ' dengan lebey dekat ' lagi...tapi aku la pulak sibuk nak mengejar kerjaya yang tak besar-besar sampai sekarang.......nak beli rumah dulu la, nak itu dulu la, ini dulu la, enjoy dulu la...macam-macam alasan lah...

aku tak la komplen pasal cara hidup aku la ni...tak lah senang tapi tak dak yang kurang...cuma, sejak setahun dua ni, ada member-member yang dah kahwin, dapat anak dan nak dapat anak buat aku rasa ada benda yang kurang dalam hidup aku la ni.....mak aku yang tak pernah tanya pasal bini pun dah start tanya aku, mak aku kata, 'tak pa la, indu ka, cina ka, siam ka semua dia terima'...sedih aku dengar, betapa mak aku nak suruh aku settle down...air mata dok menitik nih....

> ayah..

2009-06-23T12:31:00.000+08:00

june21st, means a lot to me. suddenly i realised how much i missed him, missed his touches, his love, his ideas, the fun & the good moments we had for 9 years ............... sad to say, i didn't really appreciate all his kindness & love at that time. guess, i was too young to understand what was love. i liked him....but sometimes i really hated him, hated him for not understanding my needs & not loving me...

june21st made me realised how much 'ayah' loved me, my imagination runs wild thinking what would he think when he saw me for the very first time, happy? worried? will our relationship be a success?

for me 'ayah' is a good man, no matter where he is now. he was a good man, he was a man with principles, also kind and helpful. that was all i knew about him, i didn't really know him, i dont remember when was the first time he touched my face. i don't remember the last time we had a conversation, but i do remember, at one time he cried when i did something bad. he knew something that i didn't know... and i was too naive to guess what was coming. my ego was so big, all i knew i was not his favourite...

june21st brought me back to the past, the past i don't want to remember, the ugly side of my life, a dark moment, a moment ayah walked away from my life................forever. i cried & cried, so loud, my tears were full with regret. regret because i know i don't ever have a chance to show how much i love him, to tell him how much i care about him. i don't know how to live without him, i started blaming others for our separation, i became errant..

> a bit about the girl i like

2009-02-04T19:29:00.028+08:00

i sometimes wonder if i met the love of my life when i was nine. i wonder if my soul mate wasn’t set before me long ago only to be lost to adolescence and painful shyness. i wonder if she wonders the same thing.

her desk was right in front mine in a class room. we were in standard three. i don’t remember if i liked her immediately or if it took time, but i remember the sweet ache in my chest every time i saw her, the ache that nearly stole my breath and voice when she spoke to me. and speak she did, the sweetest things you can imagine. she saw through my 'kampong-face' and told me, ' saya suka la kawan dengan kamu'.....an A grade sugar coated statement, kept forever in my books of ' greatest angau '. and at one time, minutes before 'they' dragged me up on stage to sing at the annual school talent-time show, when i was self-conscious about my white-turned-yellow school shoes she told me how cool i am in my rented cowboy costume..i sang my heart out, just like a superstar on a movie screen lah.

approaching her was something i know, i'd never have enough guts to do, every time i try to talk to her, my words kept falling apart. one day after a few sessions of mental theraphy with closest friends, i braved myself to approach her and casually pop the question - ' kamu nak nasi lemak dak ? my mother won't mind if her nasi lemak business money a packet short....i know.
she looked at me, then she smiled at me, i gave her a packet of nasi lemak and smiled and tried to find more words to speak, words that would make she likes me.
several weeks after my father passed away.... i was forced to transfer to a school nearer to my house as my mother couldn't afford to pay my school bus fees...our three days friendship went down the drain..we moved in a different circles...

years passed. i didn't see her until i was at home one weekend, when my mother's friend with his family came to visit her. i saw a fimilar face came out from the car..i said to myself, can't be her..but my heart beats like a drum disagree ..i said, yes! it's her! i was astonished + happy but extremely nervous to see her when we were introduced..we were obviously shocked to know that our parents were actually friends!....well that was what i thought at first. the truth is something else.
she said hi, and gave me a big smile. i said hello, smiled back. i still couldn’t breathe, could barely speak. i dont know what to do, i was so nervous..i looked away, and quickly motion to my room, as if i was 'kiasu' with something.
wtf that i've done?
i wasn't my self at that time, i allowed my self to be invaded by shyness and stupidity, and i missed the last chance to regain a lost precious friendship.....and that was the last time i saw her, her family moved to melaka for good. we lost contact.

i rarely dream of people i know,.. but i have dreamed about this girl since the first time i saw her. once in a while, to this day, she will still come to me in my sleep. she is my reminder of opportunities lost, of longings unfulfilled....

> TGIF

2009-01-23T17:11:00.009+08:00

sometimes i tell myself that i am truly awesome. and on occasion that little voice in the back of my head doesn’t disagree. those are the really good days.

then there are the other days.

those are the days when my curly-spunky hair won’t stay put, no matter how many kilos of hair-clay i use, the days when that stupid piece of nasal-hair insists on going in the opposite direction of where i put it, the days when an insignificant jerawat magically shifted to the prime area, and claim to be the president of my face, dont ask me how it happen, but it happened...the days when i were asked for my full name; nama punuh encek.... ' kumar a/l ( son of ) ?? after an hour long phone conversation, the days when i'm on shopping thrills, but failling to buy anything because the collection is out of size G!and the days when i'm so uncomfortable with my unwanted 'spare tyres' after a nip/tuck mini-marathon i want to curl up in my day-bed and reminiscing the good-happy days.

but most days are in between. i’m fine with not being perfect, but not feeling so imperfect as not to be fine. if that makes any sense.

right now i’m sitting here trying to decide what the point of this post is and failing miserably. and i’m ok with that. an in-between day. a real day, i think. because life usually ends up being a mix, good and bad, happy and sad, sublime and ridiculous all at once- right?

> get happy or die tryin'

2008-11-13T19:18:00.026+08:00

am i happy?
if you’ve read here for a while you may not think so,.....but the fact is that i am.
it doesn’t mean that i don’t long for things or that i don’t feel bad sometimes. i choose to work out some of my angst here. that’s what a personal journal is for, yes? as what they always said sharing a burden with others lightens the load..

but happy i am.....i am comfortable with myself, i know i am blessed in many ways and i am grateful for a life without a lot of drama. but we, people always want more. i suppose that’s the part of intelligence that makes us unhappy...we know there’s more and we want it....never enough.

next year i will be 41. and in the past month or so i have been beginning to see myself differently. more like a grown-up- or more than that?- and i’m not sure how i feel about that.....i still want to be silly, i still want to play, i still want to be irresponsible sometimes, i still want to wear those ripped and torn fadded jeans....astro-boy t's, sneakers, read comics, anime gig etc... but now i wonder how it looks on me. people's perception of me... i'm curious if their perception matches my own sense of reality...but i guess i really dont want to know what people think of me...and i don’t think i am as concerned about what other people think about me as much as care what i think about myself ...

but sometimes i feel that the one who has the most inaccurate, skewed view of who i am — is myself. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

> searching for the unknown but knowable

2008-10-28T16:24:00.020+08:00

when i was smaller, a boy. i wanted to be many things. i wanted to be rich, i wanted to be famous, i wanted to be a loving father of five oriental children. i wanted to be a hero, i wanted to be strong, i wanted to be a soldier so i can help sargeant vic morrow to kill all the bad guys....i wanted to be special, i saw myself standing out from the crowd, never conforming and never apologizing for it. i reveled in being different! i even invented an exotic background to further set myself apart. but somewhere along the way i forgot about all that.....i got scared....the life i ended up with was like a colorful cheap shirt..... it looked good from the outside, with some fashionable detailing and all but was scratchy and uncomfortable and really didn’t fit properly. i felt powerless to change it. the fear had worked its way into my bone, winding around my dna and becoming a part of me.

but things changed, as they always do.... the thin walls of my life suddenly came crashing down around me, and i had to rebuild. it has been a very slow process...... but i’ve finally rid myself of the fear.... and i’ve put together a life that fits me better..i hope so...and yet there is more work to do. a little tailoring here and there, if you will. my thousand-mile journey is far from over...i'm still restless and searching. some part of me understands that this will always be.. it is what keeps me moving forward rather than standing still. but i’m determined to enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the hunt and keep moving forward searching for purpose, to reach for something that sets me apart from the crowd.

> facts of life

2008-10-09T17:13:00.002+08:00

lately i’ve been noticing that i don’t look as good as i used to.
i look tired, i look a bit frayed at the edges.........i’d like to say there was a reason for this,

one that i could fix and things would go back to normal, but i don’t think there is.

i think i’m starting to show my age.... and it’s freaking me out more than a little bit.

funny thing about it is that although age creeps up on you slowly, you seem to notice its affects all of a sudden. one day you could pass for twenty five and then next you look every minute of your age. or at least that’s what happened to me.

i have never hidden the fact that i’m vain. it’s something i’ve always owned and simply accepted because it has flown beneath people’s radar......it’s not something that i make obvious or let affect the way i treat others. but now it’s making getting through this stage of my life harder. and the bitch of it is that it is never going to get better—only worse.

i suppose this is part of the process. maybe this is what they mean by midlife crisis. facing your new face in the mirror and realizing this is the best you’ll ever look again. and that one day, before you know it, you’ll be old. but just because i recognize it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy getting through it.
letting go is never easy.......

> a song to me-self

2008-10-09T16:22:00.005+08:00

my life is brilliant, my love is pure
i saw an angel of that i'm sure, she smiled at me on the subway..
she was with another man, but i won't lose no sleep on that 'cause i've got a plan

you're beautiful,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true i saw your face in a crowded place
and i don't know what to do 'cause i'll never be with you
yes, she caught my eye
as we walked on by, she could see from my face that i was fucking high
and i don't think that i'll see her again
but we shared a moment that will last 'till the end

you're beautiful,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true i saw your face in a crowded place
and i don't know what to do 'cause i'll never be with you

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true
there must be an angel with a smile on her face
when she thought up that i should be with you
but it's time to face the truth..........i will never be with you

> bit about the woman i love

2008-09-08T20:55:00.008+08:00

my mother was really young when my dad left her. he left her nothing except five wounded hearts. me, two elder sisters and two kid brothers.. being a second wife was tough and being single again was really - really tough.... ' mak tua ' never liked mother for being pretty and soft hearted. mak tua and company never liked us for being part of them.....without my dad, it all became worst...

with nothing, my mother started her unpromising life with ten ringgit that mak tua 'painfully' parted with from money donated by people who knew him. ten ringgit for the six of us....what year were we at that time?...ahh it was at 1978...kalau jimat that ten ringgit can last two to three days lah.

being young and pretty were my mother advantages, she was the perfect company for dad's business and political functions. she was pampered and loved more than mak tua. was she good at cooking? i don't remember, maybe she didn't cook at all. i was too young to remember.

but that all changed after dad left us. she had to work as a cashier at a school canteen and was lucky enough to be promoted as the ' tukang masak's' assistant which earned her a few extra ringgit.

with the help of two sisters in the family, mother started a small home based 'nasi lemak' business. all went well. i helped her sell the 'nasi lemak' in school. the business was so good that it made the school canteen owner so unhappy...... alas .. i was caught! the schoolguard confiscated all of my 'nasi lemak'. i was nine at that time and it was really one hell of a shocking experience.

the headmaster gave me a warning and asked me to ask the canteen to help sell the 'nasi lemak' ... no more black market 'nasi lemak'.

my 'nasi lemak' retail price was dua 'kupang' per packet, lima 'duit' commission to the rich canteen owner. that was what i told my mother ... at least the business can still go on.

one week past and business was good. she was happy. but .. one day .. the 'nasi lemak' sale suddenly became bad. i was told it was because my nasi lemak was dirty. they found a cockroach in one of my 'nasi lemak'....!!!

business then became really bad and this time they found another type of insect inside one of many packets. the same pattern went on and on and on and mother got the hint. the business was stopped with - tears.

mother worked hard, i would say ten times harder than any woman her age in the kampung but the money was never enough. i was forced to transfer to a school nearer to my house as she couldn't afford to pay my school bus fees. her vision of me getting a better education at a better school thus vanished....

> retrospective

2008-08-08T17:29:00.014+08:00

+ today is supposedly my big day

once in a while something happens that forces me to take a long look at myself, reevaluate my life and started to doubt all of the things that happened to me in the past few months. once in a while happened this morning......if you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.

i tried to shake free of those memories, wondering why they'd re-surfaced with such clarity... was it because i am now wise enough to realize how unusual it was to like someone so quickly....or simply because i felt guilty......i don't know.

lately, it seemed i didn't know a lot of things......there were people who claimed to hv all the answers, or at least the answer to the big questions of life..but some of the answers may seen difficult to believe..there was something about the assurance with which they spoke that seemed self justifying.. but if there is one person who could answer any question, my question would be this -

' how far should a person go in the name of love? '

i could pose the question to hundred people and get a hundred different answers...most were obvious, a person should sacrifice or accept or forgive or even fight if need be...the list can go on and on...and i knew that all these answers were valid, but it cant help me.......something just were beyond understanding...
thinking back, i recalled events i wished i could change, tears i wished had never been shed, time that could have been better spent and frustration i should have shrugged off.

life, it seemed was full of regret, and i yearned to turn back the clock so i could amend my mistakes... and as i considered the question of how far the person should go in the name of love, i knew what my answer would be..........' sometimes it meant a person should lie....'

> meant to be a post here

2008-08-01T17:20:00.010+08:00

i am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

it’s been a while since the last posts but there have been many good reasons for the hiatus. lately i’ve been quite busy and i cannot be unhappy about the fact that offline activities are taking more and more of my time these days. i still got a few pending tasks regarding the theme, the concept or other crazy things , but i can’t say when i will go back to work on those projects...guess its ok to play lazy once in a while - brain cells got to rest right? so....i got on the Internet checked e-mail - pretend to look busy...you got what i meant....,then browse several websites, want to shop for a couple of things i couldn't find in the store - didn’t find them online either...no matter what i still want that white converse!

then logged on to blogspot... but i didn’t start writing. not right away. i checked stats.
i visited blogs that linked to me.....happy to see jazz and diver are totally in love - now i'm dying to eat nasi minyak...aiz was excited with her billingham trip - she's in billingham by now - miss her already, husni is so happy with his recent project - congratulations b......spena finally became part of underwater community - successfully make me jealous..., neome sharing her love+life evolution, cat bat is in a mission impossible..everything is possible girl - cheer up, gomba with never ending most scary ghost story....

now it’s getting late, time to go for a hair cut and hopefully can jump back to the pav in time for a 7.30 show .....and i still have no idea what to say...and yet look at the words i’ve written. i don’t have a MD in bluffing for nothing, do i? the truth is, not much is going on right now, at least no much that seems worth blogging about. there’s no drama for now, no angst, not one memorable exchange with a random stranger or bizarre dream. things are just… mellow. it may not make for an exciting blog post, but i’ll take it. and count my blessings because i know that’s not the case with everyone out there ...but there is more space to fill this week.....

> man-thing

2008-07-22T19:57:00.017+08:00

i overheard a group of women were talking and arguing about their exes.... some of them complaining how bad their exes were....and at the same time... elevating a few man they knew whom minor of them agreed is the perfect example of ' the man ' or a ' real man '! ....and that made me ponder about what exactly women mean when they say,
' NOW, THAT'S A REAL MAN! '

so i decided to ask you, ladies+gentlemen, what you thought a 'real man' is? i could have learn something here..

ciao!
ps; there will be a blogging break until after sunday. i have to get lost in saigon to look for the happy!

> melancholy me

2008-07-14T00:27:00.021+08:00

well, it's kind of a long story.... and people tend not to believe it, even though i lived through it.... it's not because cupid's still working on me, because cupid's never gonna be done with that.... it's not because of anything i've done or not done.....shuz! there for a nano-second i thought may be...may be, i'm cursed by someone sometimes and will never be blessed with a partner.... ? because of my past sins? but...i like to think that god has a greater plan for me, i don't know what, god works mysteriously, remember...hope it's something worth waiting...amin.
many-time i tried to put my self into.. errr more likely to force my self into a relationship.....but love and luck were not on my side, blame it on me.....i wasn't mentally ready then...too many things to do, so much freedom-fun to sacrifice for a relationship!

i think even if cupid had sent a woman dressed in a latest oscar de la renta's knocking on my door with a note that this is the gal i'm supposed to marry, i doubt if i would ever believe it..... though i've always wanted to be part of ' copula ' society, i spent years not knowing what i truly want and what would be good for me in terms of relationships. it's just the last few month there was a lot of transformation in me that i am probably in a place emotionally to be able to handle a long term relationship.

past that....
i never thought about finding ' permanence ' or my ' soul mate '....until recently, but here's the real trick, how to find the right one? not gonna be easy though....i always imagining to meet someone who share the same passion-interest i did....life is for living right? sure every one had responsibilities and didn't mind those...i enjoyed my work, earned a fare living..., owned a place and paid my bills on time but i didn’t want a life where those things constituted all there was...i wanted to experience life with my loved one, do stuff we both like together....no change that

so until cupid finally sends that someone my way and god feels she's appropriate for me.....single it is.

> evil-knievil

2008-07-08T20:02:00.010+08:00

i couldn't resist doing this evil-knievil test.... unfortunately i'm not cunning enough to post the link, or at least not at this time of the evening, sorry.

guess what? my result was that i am 28 percents evil! a bit of evil lurks in my heart but i hide it well lah.......

and apparently i am the most dangerous kind of evil...the rare-one of a kind...so beware hehehehehahahahaha evil style

> the soul’s best friend

2008-07-02T16:15:00.009+08:00

after many years, it still amazes me how people can still be puzzled, suspicious and critical of how comfortable i am with solitude.
does solitude convey negative visions of loneliness and isolation....?

that’s so understandable.....we are social beings and we derive a large portion of our happiness from our connections to and relationships with others. our lives is spent in search of forming, and then nurturing linkages.....girlfriend+boyfriend, husband+wife, perhaps wife+lover vice-versa....
and being alone is generally viewed with derision or pity and typically equated with loneliness......... yes?

but strangely..., when i was dating someone decades ago, i was often lonelier than now...trust me when i said that being alone is better than a doubtful relationship!

many times have i been told, ' you shouldn't be alone ! '
once any of these linkages, or couplings, ends for whatever reason, the pressure is substantial to be ' with ' some-one or several some-ones.

' you mean you went to a movie and dinner by yourself, pity... ? ' this is asked as though it were against the rules to behave in this manner as though it was odd to enjoy these things by myself, ...well...not that i don't have friends..i am fortunate enough to have many good friends, some close ones with fantastic character...love to see them,to talk to them, to ' do stuff ' with them....

it just that...sometimes, i love to just be alone. It's not a garbo-esque kind of thing. it's not melo-dramatic.... it's just….well....., easier........ i don’t have to have a meeting to decide when to go somewhere - 10 points!... or where i want to go....i just go - another 10 points!. ...do ' stuff ' i like from am to am - 50 points!...living and dreaming my own dreams - lots of points!..sometimes i can just sit and watch the world go by... yes... it can be idleness but it can also be ultimately very fulfilling.....

solitude can be every bit as exhilarating as companionship sometimes.......but of course.....i had to find companionship before i figured that out

> 30dd-story

2008-06-23T19:01:00.008+08:00

something more unusual than i might think occurred on the catwalk during spring/summer08 shows on fashion tv last week. it happened when the model walked down the prada catwalk wearing fifties-style full skirt with a sleeveless fine-ribbed woollen cardigan etc and no bra!
and as she strode down the catwalk, her breast moved, quite-a-lot, relatively speaking.
real-moving, hanging, dancing follow the beat womanly breasts.....it was rather funny but sexy though...

gals, do not try this at home without me k
lol

> maybe i'm just going through a phase

2008-06-17T18:46:00.004+08:00

do you ever feel that you’ve misjudged a relationship with someone?
lately i’ve been feeling that. i’ve tried to put it aside, but i just can’t. i’ve tried to ignore it, but it hurts just the same.

it could be that i just misread something somewhere.
maybe i’m just going through a phase.
but honestly, i feel distanced, apart, separate. and i don’t know how to get back.
confronting the problem seems like the best solution, but i don’t dare. i don’t feel like i have the right.........

there are moments where this feels worse than any broken heart..

> queer eye - straight guy

2008-06-05T19:35:00.022+08:00

i guess you can lump me in with the ' questioning' community after getting deep in straight-up women profession...that requires me to understand women....what they like, what color best for that or this , whats latest & trendy, that designer heels should go with this designer jeans, what tableware fit your lifestyle & so on.
trust me....every-so-often while designing any feminine theme i had to take a trip to the bathroom mirror and take a look at the dirty unkempt unshaven mass of male that looked back at me just to snap out of the estro-zone i was finding myself in at every turn...i hv to read at least 4 to 5 women fashion magazines in every month, plus other hse decor etc-etc periodicals....errr gossip magazine - sometimes....sometimes je la ok, i need back-up content for stupid small-chat during company's event, hahahaha what can i say....i'm working in a ' plastic ' industry...

and all these did influence my lifestyle though...

i'm single, .....errr yes, until now ! sigh !....and that make people believe i'm part of the ' questioning ' community....
my gay friend asked me once.... ' sister, ....you have great interest in grooming, you do facial cleansing once in every-month, ....shops like a woman specially on clothing & housewares, craze over house decor and assorted creature comforts-affinities traditionally considered the realm only of women and gay man....i wonder if you really-really sure that you are not a ' CLOSET CASE ' ? .....hmmmmmmmmmmm...' another analog player in a digital world ' ..... everbody wants to look good and hv a nice hse these days.....right?

whatever, i'm used to all these questions, i'm cool and couldn't care-less what people think of me.... ;p

o ya.....they missed these...i'm also a guy who is agree on dish towels that match the appliances! love oprah winfrey show and sex & the city...hiks!.........but that doesn't mean i'm automatically can be categorized as one of the ' questioning ' community ya....because i do enjoy other shows commonly enjoyed by straight guy...

> politicly correct

2008-06-03T18:00:00.014+08:00

it's silly but funny, i like it.........hahahahahahaha

a little boy goes to his dad and asks, ' what is Politics? '
dad says, ' well son, let me try to explain it this way:

i am the head of the family, so call me ' THE PRESIDENT '.
your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we call her ' THE GOVERNMENT '.
we are here to take care of your needs,
so we will call you ' THE PEOPLE '.
the nanny, we will consider her ' WORKING CLASS '.
and your baby brother, we will call him ' THE FUTURE '.

now think about that and see if it makes sense. '

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.

later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him .
he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

so the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.
not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. he knocks on the door but nothing happens.
he gives up and goes back to bed.

the next morning, the little boy says to his father,
' dad, i think i understand the concept of politics now. '

the father says, ' good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about. '

the little boy replies,
THE PRESIDENT is screwing THE WORKING CLASS while THE GOVERNMENT is sound asleep.
THE PEOPLE are being ignored and THE FUTURE is in deep shit.......

> damn sexy-box

2008-05-29T18:22:00.001+08:00

my compaq is dying fast,it had a good run, 3 good years without a problem, and boy have i put it thorough its paces ,Illustrator, Photoshop, After Effects,3D StudioMAX,AutoCAD etc.... i'd like to fix it, because it's still a great machine...., but even if i could magically repair or upgrade it now, i've been thinking for over a year that it is just not powerful enough anymore....sad hah...

the good news is....it gives me a great excuse to buy a MacBook Pro! great excuse? did i just said ' great excuse?'
hah!big liar!!!!the truth is i've been waiting for intel Mac with genius bootcamp to hits shelves since 2006.....it's the best of both worlds for me as i'm tied to using a PC for AutoCAD & 3d StudioMAX but love the Mac for everything else..... If my usual CAD program proven ran smoothly on an Intel Mac, then i would definitely want to get 'this sexy box', yea! yea!.....can't wait lah, but the new stocks will only arrive by end of june!

how now brown cow..??

> winner winner - chicken dinner

2008-05-24T18:08:00.000+08:00

yipppyyyy....we received employee share options letter 2 days ago and i pray for the share-price to go up just-about-now!

> eat-sleep-eat-sleep

2008-05-16T20:54:00.000+08:00

< if only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate >

check this place out..., it was recommended by local colleague when i asked for a place ' which serves good local where the locals go to ',.... choices of food that is neither adulterated for the foreign palette nor priced for the tourist wallet - in another word 'cheap'.

so....he took me to this nice place,set up in a very attractive colonial villa, surrounded by many little kitchens !( yes, surrounded ok... ), with plenty of plants and fans....food? ignore what you cant eat & enjoy the rest if you know what i mean...
desert? superbly de-li-cious...but fat-ten-ing...

the owner, purportedly a savvy viet kieu (overseas vietnamese), had a superb idea-scour the streets, find the best dishes out there, the best street chefs cooking those dishes, offer them a gig at a new restaurant and a regular, reliable wage.

bingo! its a succes. gotta queue to get a seat!

how nice if such place exist in kl, an old villa surrounded with pasar-malam style-stalls sell delicious best-food from each state with pasar-malam price!!!...hahahaha dream on...

great place to experience street-styled food in a relaxed and hygienic environment. diffused lighting and green plants makes an idyllic setting, transporting us away from the madness of saigon's traffic.

best to sit outside in courtyard area, feels like you're eating in a market....errr hygienic environment market ya, you can go around and watch the scores of chefs cooking.....if you are 'kiasu' like the singaporean...

get a sanitized sense of street eats without having to actually step foot in the gutter themselves - god forbid

my ' local colleague ' shows how the vietnamese eat vietnamese roll in vietnamese style. put everything on rice paper & roooooolll it to your mouth...

tribute to crying bitches

2008-05-08T19:42:00.000+08:00

< don't ask me about emotions in the opponent dressing room. i'm someone who cries when he watches Little House on the Prairie. >
robert norster

left to right, mat saleh the 'massageboy', krul manager, lalat, lannoq, art, kondoq, toyol, manad, sard aka rock, ceper & tok kaq

a tribute to crying bitches who play for the champ,lions rc 1990-1996

the song we always sing to greet loser off the field after game..hikhikhik

Mari menyusun seroja
Bunga seroja
Hiasan sanggul remaja
Puteri remaja

Rupa yang elok
Di manja jangan dimanja
Puja lah ia sekadar
Oh sekadar saja

Mengapa kau bermenung
Oh adik berhati binggung
Mengapa kau bermenung
Oh adik berhati binggung
Lupakan saja asmara
Pada asmara.
Lupakan saja asmara
Pada asmara

Mari menyusun seroja
Bunga seroja
Hiasan sanggul remaja
Puteri remaja

Rupa yang elok
Di manja jangan dimanja
Puja lah ia sekadar
Oh sekadar saja

> so se-low

2008-05-07T18:18:00.000+08:00

< everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is. >
diane ackerman

when you are a child the future always seems so far away..but now it seemed to have taken a giant leap nearer.what does a child know of luv? ....i don't know...i had only turned twelve....
but still i as an 'old man' writing these reminiscences so many years later i can honestly say i felt no different at that age than i do today.....so se-low never understand maaa

> starting-over

2008-05-06T21:18:00.001+08:00

< one of our greatest gifts is out intuition. it is a sixth sense we all have –
we just need to learn to tap into and trust it.>
donna karan

there are certain things that I am sure of, and one is that if you attempt to control your feelings, to reign in your emotions, they will simply grow stronger and weaken you until you are powerless to corral them any longer.

sometimes I forget this. but like any truth this one will eventually grab me by the shoulders and whirl me around to face it. and so it was this weekend.
be it the time change, the moon or any other of a thousand reasons, but the past few weeks I have been fighting to control a crushing wave of frustration and defeat. it is a crisis that occurs from time to time when the reality of my reality begins to wind itself into my body and soul and steadily block out the light that usually lives there.
it all gets to be too much, and i crash.

i’ve been fighting it, functioning, persisting, trying to shake it loose or ignore it. but it will not be denied. it cannot be denied. this weekend i succumbed to it finally because i could no longer stand the way it made me think, made me feel, made me act. i allowed it to take over and become me for a while. i wallowed in it, letting it squish between my toes like silken mud.

i very nearly enjoyed it.
then, as always happens, i grew tired of it. sadness is much less sustainable than happiness because it depletes energy instead of feeding it. so as i drifted off into sleep on Sunday night, i bade it goodbye. it was nice to know you, but it’s time for you to leave...for real.

> inside-me

2008-04-09T08:05:00.000+08:00

< i'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering where it will go >.
the beatles > john lennon, paul mc'cartney

today i'd decided to share my random thoughts that pretty much describes my mind at any given moment........

boyfriend's shirt on women are sexy
is true love really exist?
why love is painful?
why i still believe in love when it broke my heart many times?

boxer-briefs on women are hot.
why i like a short-haired women?
oh no...i'm still wearing xl size!

why can i never find what i'm looking for unless i'm not looking for it?
the depth of my sarcasm is unknown even to me.
i hate it when i dream that i'm struggling to wake up.

why are the only women telling me how wonderful i am the ones who are unavailable?

is there anything good on tv anymore?
why i miss them when i hate them.
do i need therapy test?
why are them richer than me?

is annoying to know that less than 5 percent of the U.S. news is about international issues < accept iraq, which of course is a wholly American international issue >
why giant percentage of americans don't own a passport!!

i'm much prefer mamak's mee goreng!

hello the opposition! why i'm still paying toll driving up to the north???
hello mister, blaming others is not an easy way out!

> de-ra-ma gi-ler

2008-04-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

a love letter from smartypants to shoeprincess...the 'drama' letter was delivered to shoeprincess at her dungeon not so long ago, when smartypants & shoeprinces were on the brink of cloudnine....

the letter..

Terfikir sang gembala adalah besar keajaiban jika takdir menjodohkannya dgn puteri raja yg cantik jelita,baik tersua mata atau berkata kata.....Apa yg sang gembala ini ada? Tiada rupa, ternakkan tak seberapa.
Memang tuhan mahu menduga, ditakdirkan suatu hari sang gembala tersua puteri raja di laman istana, ya tuhan, jangan hamba disiksa, hati ini bagai dihiris bunga bunga syurga, perlu kah hamba menyapa? Sang gembala berlalu tanpa berkata membawa separuh hati yang luka tapi tersuka.

Setiap hari, sang gembala tertanya tanya apakah hukuman yg bakal diterima jika puteri di sapa, pegawal istana ada diserata...Apakhabar sang gembala?.................
Hamba baik belaka puteri yg jelita, kata sang gembala.
Kenapa menunduk masa berkata, apakah sang gembala malu dgn beta?
Masa berlalu malam menyapa, begitu lama sang gembala dan puteri bercerita, kisah sedih kisah cinta. Maka bermulalah cerita sang gembala dan puteri jelita menjadi teman berbicara.

Setelah sepurnama, hati sang gembala mula gelisah bertanya tanya, kenapa hamba menjadi begini rupa? Apakah ini yang dinamakan suka? Terfikir sang gembala, satu keajaiban jika takdir menjodohkannya dengan puteri raja, tapi apa salahnya kalau hamba mencuba, hamba juga insan sempurna cuma bukan kerabat diraja.......bila terpikat, lautan kaca sanggup diduga, jika puteri jelita punya perasaan yang sama....

Tanpa disangka, sudah tercanang di istana, puteri jelita bakal dijodohkan dengan putera raja, sama segak sama bergaya atas titah baginda raja. Puteri jelita dan putera raja akan disatukan demi kebahagiaan keluarga tercinta.

Memang takdir tidak menyebelahi sang gembala, ada yang berkata kalau kail panjang sejengkal, lautan dalam jgn diduga. Tak termampu sang gembala mengubah cerita hanya masa pengubat luka. Semuga bahagia walau dengan siapa puteri bersama, itu lah doa sang gembala.

yang penuh drama
smartypants

grrrrrrrrrrr

2008-03-28T19:46:00.000+08:00

I’ve been feeling crap lately. Not so much physically, but mentally. I think I need to get away and recharge my batteries. I would love to be able to go away this weekend but i have a feeling it ain't’ gonna happen right now. i've sooooo many things to do in the next couple of days & i'm really fretting. but cant complaints, at least i still hv time to rant on my blog..

aaaaaaaaaaarghh...i must go somewhere,need a break...how nice if i've a gift for teleportation,
hmmmm jeng jeng jeng.....dang!to bank vault then dang!spaing in bali, dang!sunbathing on varadero beach, dang!shopping in paris, dang! dang!breakfast in my hometown mkn cucoq..dang!lunch in casablanca, dang!dinner in alhambra, dang!to the bank again, dang!dang!.....

what the f! some dude was throwing rubbish just in front of me. this is the people who'd skipped 'tatarakyat' in school!!idiot..excuse me! throw em' all at ur dump back yard la..

HEY YOU! YES YOU, IDIOT .. THE ONLY ONE WITH THE UGLY PLASTIC BAGS! PICK THAT UP OR YOU'RE DEAD!
WHOA WHOA WHOA PUT THE MACHINE GUN DOWN...WHERE'D THE HECK THE MACHINE GUN COME FROM?..........fine, I'll go now.

its all done-finito

2008-03-25T17:45:00.000+08:00

with prim & precise manner i listen to her explanation. whatever..
its over now.
i'm cool,no grudge against her.

seriously,i feel as if a giant stone had been lifted off my chest!

can there be anything more wonderful than the emotion of relief!
when you have feared for the worst & then things turn out to be not so bad after all.
you feel as if you have been handed a brand new future to make whatever you want from it - a new start..ceewaaahhh....you feel brave, you feel hope & anything seems possible...well...i hope so.

you feel so alive that you want to stand on your head...and you do!!!
so - did - i!...magic kan.

hah another magic! i discovered that in a busy place if you make yourself look busy...you can become invincible! i found myself a bucket of paint & disappear..vanish in the crowd & paint the city red...pick your spot.

apa aku cakap ni...pardon me..i'm a bit slanted today.

something stupid

2008-03-22T17:56:00.000+08:00

i'm not supposed to feel this way, i'm not supposed to care, i'm not supposed to live my life wishing she were there. i'm not supposed to wonder where she is or what she do. i'm not supposed to worry what she thinks of me. i'm not supposed to worry abt lots of thing!

this feeling makes me so vulnerable... it opens my chest and it opens up my heart and i feels like someone can get inside of me and mess me up. i build up all these defenses, i build up a whole suit of armor, so that it cant get into me...may be i should hv use kevlar brand ....sigh, life time guarantee!

then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into my stupid life...& i give her e whole piece of me...she didn't even ask for it....
she just did something dumb one day, like smile at me, and then my life isn't mine anymore.....just like that...huh

i'm worry one day so simple a phrase like ' maybe we should be just friends ' could turns into a glass splinter working its way into my heart.

it will hurts me bad!... & not just in my imagination. not just in my mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-me-and-rips-me-apart pain.
seriously,i don't want & i don't need all this..........

my heart tells me that it will happen soon...very soon.
arrghh...like what the northerner always said " biaq pi lah " ..let it be, & be done with it.

100 things about me

2008-03-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

After this one, I have to start coming up with new ones. Hold me.

I think the government should stay out of the bedroom and spend more time in the boardroom.
I think the government should allow each state to have 20 'menteri besar',fat fun to foam party in group
I like hanging out with my friends; they are amazing.
I like to be alone
I was raised by a single mother.
I was about 9 when my father passed away.
I have sang a song to public when i was 6, and I was good at it.
I like to surprise people.
I’m not nearly done yet.
I daydream. A lot.
Someday I hope to publish a novel.
Someday I hope to finish a novel.
Someday i hope to exhibit a painting.
Someday i hope to finish a painting.
I don’t worry about much.
i worry about little things.
I don’t scare easily.
I don’t care what you think about me.
I care very much about what I think about me.
I like them, but they are married.
I want to get marry before 60.
I’m still not sure how I feel about that.
I want to have 4 child, and that’s plenty for me.
Sometimes I want to run away from home.
I probably never will. At least not for long.
Most of the times i just want to stay at home.
I am a hopeless romantic.
i think i am romantic.
I’ve danced on a table or two in my time.
I miss dancing on tables.
i miss dancing at gay clubs.
i am not gay, gay.
I’ve nearly stopped watching TV.
I can watch TV all day.
I love my fiends.
I love watching friends.
i've nearly stopped seing my friends.
I have a pen fetish.
And a paper fetish.

gimme a break

2008-03-14T09:20:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired of people who are tired all the time...in the course of business there is a women i hv spoken with eight or nine times in the month. along abt the tenth time i realized that our next conversation would begin in lethargy, like every other talk we'd had so far. she would announce, immediately, "i am exhausted." there would be variations on this theme, " i am jammed,i'm letih la,busy la,didnt sleep all night,worn out,cannot take it,bear it,face it,deal with it,put up with it,bla bla bla all in kaput.finito. kabbooomm"
i was right! the minute we started the next conversation, she announced," i am exhausted."
hello dear...you are not exhausted...rescue teams,doctors, the people or families crawling through bombed buildings searching for survivors in baghdad are exhausted. people in concentration camps in lebanon are exhausted,politicians who'd lost in the
recent pru12 are exhausted ( sorry ah datuk datuk & latuk latuk )..........but people arriving late for lunch at fine japanese restaurant are not exhausted...... & ya'know what? it is offensive to hear them claim that they are...ya feel me,lady.

In Between

2008-03-13T06:10:00.001+08:00

to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between
Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between, between
My pride
And my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between, between
My pride
And my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand
I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
But hope the actions speak the words they can
For my pride
And my promise
For my lies
And how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
My pride
And my promise
Between my lies
And how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

my crib

2008-03-09T18:53:00.000+08:00

i'm not a diary person & not too open when it comes to my everyday events n experiences. nothing much to share aside of great monthly friends' get together party in my small apartment.
there's something abt living in my small apartment that i find appealing. part of this fantasy,i suppose, believing that in a small space i would only have room for a small selection of great lovely things rather than clobber n clutter that fills my life.........but in the city where property is at a premium, i m of the firm belief that it is better to be in the thick of things, in a diminutive but perfectly formed apartment than it is to be bored in the suburb......& of course there r habits i must instantly give up like having more antique furniture wa waa waaa waaaaaaa n a large spanish+moorish's style dining table enough for all my lovely friends.
my java day bed!ya believe it or not,large in small space can really be used to great effect,the bed that takes 1/3 of my apartment's space looks sensational! love it!but it leaves a very small space for the sitting area....eerrrr but i like it that way though!it's better for chatting n gossiping on & on & on which is a sitting area's most important function, after all,betul tak kawan kawan...

warisan

2008-03-09T17:53:00.000+08:00

we're asked to sing this song on the first day in uni.tht was my first & last till today, march8th08......

Anak kecil main api
Terbakar hatinya yang sepi
Airmata darah bercampur keringat
Bumi dipijak milik orang

Nenek moyang kaya raya
Tergadai seluruh harta benda
Akibat sengketa sesama kita
Cita lenyap di arus zaman

Indahnya bumi kita ini
Warisan berkurun lamanya
Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain
Pribumi merintih sendiri

Masa depan sungguh kelam
Kan lenyap peristiwa semalam
Tertutup hati terkunci mati
Maruah peribadi dah hilang

Kini kita cuma tinggal kuasa
Yang akan menentukan bangsa
Bersatulah hati bersama berbakti
Pulih kembali harga diri

Kita sudah tiada masa
Majulah dengan gagah perkasa
Janganlah terlalai teruskan usaha
kita kan gagah di Nusantara

Yes, I am a self-proclaimed Nice Guy

2008-03-08T18:57:00.000+08:00

And I'll be the first to admit that being a Nice Guy never got me anywhere… Well I can't say that that's entirely true: I did get used a lot. BUT I will say that it was apparent the "bastards" always, always got luckier with the women than I did. I got their rejects, their not-so-left-overs.
Heck, for a long time I thought it was me. I thought it was a cruel joke. I thought I was singled out as being a "nice guy freak of nature". I thought all the "non-bastards" were getting lucky except me. I mean cum'on! EVERYONE said you needed to be a romantic "nice guy" to have success with women! Little did I know the whole "nice guy" thing was malarkey. Pure & simple crap. Probably put together a long time ago by a group of mothers living out their "evil plan" to keep their sons from dating girls that didn't meet their high & mighty standards!
But not only did it keep their sons from dating "bad girls" it kept them from having any fun period, and from forming relationships with terrific women that lasted longer than one night!
And I was one of the idiots that bought into the "nice guy" story - hook, line & sinker. And with it my sex life and love life were both doomed to utter failure (or just about). And - like I said before - I thought I was alone in the world… the only "non-bastard" that wasn't getting any. The only "non-bastard who kept getting cheated on, used, and dumped - over and over again. Eventually I managed to "bastard" my way into a relationship ( still working on it ), But I've never forgotten all the fun I missed out on when I was a wretched "nice guy". last week I had the pleasure of talking to other guys that experienced the same thing during their single periods of life. Namely they played the "nice card" with virtually every woman and got "shut out", cheated on, or dumped far more often than the "bastards"...Nice Guys Get Dumped! Period.

5 women u can never date.

2008-02-13T19:12:00.001+08:00

Certain ladies shouldn't be touched with a 10-foot pole, no matter how hot,how cool,how kind how...whatever... they are! Instead of giving in to temptation, pls stay away frm them...take a class or hang up with friends or take in a ballgame or just do anything to distract yourself frm the desire...
the reason to avoid these ladies has nothing to do with the woman herself, but it has everything to do with her context in your life.Read on and save your fragile heart, ur skinny bank account, ur job???, and your friendships.

1.The ex-girlfriend
ex-girlfriend becomes increasingly seductive as loneliness sets in. After several years of eating the only three meals you know how to prepare ( instant noodle/pasta with instant saurce/ reheat leftover meal frm sis's hse ), you can easily get blown away when she follows up chicken lasagna one night with chicken kurma the next. She might clean your apartment one day while you were away, and you'll want her back. The loneliness will make you forget the reason the two of you broke up in the first place, but should you jump back into the relationship, those reasons will resurface in no time( article frm single.com )

2.Your friend's ex
When you witness the breakup of your buddy and his hot girlfriend, your mind will invariably wander to a place better left untouched. Since you’ve spent lots of time around her, you already have an established relationship -- albeit a non-sexual one. Chances are you already imagined what it would be like while she was still dating your pal, and her new freedom may pique your interest, If you value your friendship, avoid her at all costs. What men forget to consider is the aftermath of hooking up with a friend’s ex. The word will spread to everyone else in your circle about what type of friend you are, and you’ll kill your own reputation. It doesn’t matter how long ago they broke up, whether they’re friends now or not, if your buddy’s replaced her with a new girlfriend, the answer is always no. Unless, of course, you enjoy getting your ass kicked.

3.Your best friend's sister
The woman you know the best will often appeal to you the most. But if she is your best friend's sister or errr sis in-law...????, getting lucky can mean two months of fun followed by the need to move to another part of the city/kampung. as soon as sis becomes sweetheart, you'll be walking on eggshells with your buddy. Gone are the days of complaining to your friend about your women troubles because the conflict of interest ruins the good times, and the first time you make a mess of things, he will likely want to beat your ass.

4.Your secretary/office mate!!
There are plenty of reasons to keep your mitts off the help. It can get you into all kinds of trouble -- legal and otherwise -- should the relationship go south. But even if the fling goes well, you have problems. You'll soon be tempted to push the limits of what you can get away with at work, perhaps in the janitor's closet.Love at the office is an enormous distraction from your work, especially if you are in charge of her. Others are always watching what you are doing. Worst of all, once the relationship ends, she will enjoy leverage over you, and may use it simply by gossiping about what happened in the aforementioned closet.

5.The high-maintenance piranha
She will love you for your increased earnings at first, but then will consider you to be a soulless workaholic incapable of intimacy. Once you've built up a nest egg, her divorced friends will start directing her on how to devour that nest egg whole, just like a snake. She will give you the screw of a lifetime, but not the kind you’re seeking!!!

Men Have Feelings Too

2008-02-13T18:15:00.000+08:00

Someone once said that women are the ones with feelings. Men are the thinkers and fixers.
no, we have feelings too, but often refuse to acknowledge them, much less talk about it, seldom to our friend or significant other and..... especially not to other men. it is a sign of weakness....yes? no?
or it is a sign of strength and of courage?